so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
