I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
