So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
