I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
