i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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