I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
