Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
