If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
4 words: hood of his car
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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