I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How drunk are you?
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