Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
