theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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