So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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