i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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