Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
