she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize