dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
