The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
