You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
