two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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