If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
