Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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