when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
