Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
