I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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