So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
