So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize