bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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