are you so shy because you have an std?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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