No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
