i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
