I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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