I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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