i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
