when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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