Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Are we still banned from the library?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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