420 ftw
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
