Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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