The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
