Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
