Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
