Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
There was a lot of him and a little penis
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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