my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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