It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
