I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize