a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
