well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
