now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
