If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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