I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
