Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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