Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
