I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
