After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
