Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
