1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Randomize
