Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize