I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize