Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
