his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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