you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
