Tell her she can't have a vagina
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
