Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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