so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize