I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
