i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
