I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize