i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
whose ass print is on the piano?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
