Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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