There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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